Josh Cary: Why Life is Perfect

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Josh Cary spent 40 years in hiding. That’s right. He was hiding every aspect of himself and showing up with a mask on, in all areas of life, trying to gain the approval of everyone else. And today he’s a podcast host and business coach helping other say F that Noise in their head. Josh. Thanks for jumping on my pleasure, Damon.  

How’s it going? It’s going really good. I got some sunshine going on, so I’m digging the day. So F that noise, tell us the story. All right. Where do I begin? Well, if that noise has since come, my, uh, my motto, my mantra, what I live by, it’s actually a, um, a five step process, right. N O I S E, which we could break down and, uh, I can give you what each, each piece means, but in retrospect, it became the very thing.  

Thing that I do and have done to get me from, like you said, spending a lifetime 40 plus years in hiding to where I am today and all my life. If I would show up in every situation in life and personal and social. I’m hiding all of my power, all of my ability. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t, I feel like I would have been strong enough to, uh, you know, stand up for myself in any situation.  

So at a very young age, I sold myself the false story. I sold it as truth. You know what? I’m not capable. And. Nobody cares what I have to say. Nobody wants me around. So went out into the world then what do we do? We find the people and experience that, uh, will help validate the story we tell ourselves for better or worse.  

And I haven’t veered from that for, uh, decades. Good for you. You know, I, I watched a little clip that you had on YouTube and two things stood out and I want to give you the chance, talk about those. The first thing was, you know, talk to me about how we all have that sense of loneliness even when you’re not alone.  

And I think that’s, that’s a great segue to what you were just talking about, how you’re hiding and loneliness is probably a part of that. Yeah. Obviously we can all relate to some sense of loneliness. At some point in our day, our, our moments, our life times, I always feel like it comes down to what also I talk about is how we need to accept the awkward that we all.  

Uh, we all have, we are all extremely awkward and you know, behind closed doors, if you watch yourself, you do some very odd, awkward things, uh, that you’re sometimes not even aware you’re doing and what we. Following is that those things, we, we use those and we feel isolated. We feel separate and removed from everybody else.  

And that for me, perpetuated a, a lot of lonely feelings and we’re all just going through this life feeling isolated individual separate. Which adds a very, very profound sense of loneliness. Even if you are surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, coworkers, I find that I’ve been battling that sense that that real deep sense of loneliness and the opposite of that is, is a major desire for connection that I just.  

Felt was lacking my whole life. So I define that as loneliness again, regarding of whether you have roommates or family, friends, colleagues, coworkers, what have you, because for me, It was, I was, I was shut off. I wasn’t letting anybody in a lot of shame, guilt, embarrassment that I was trying to cover up and keep away from the world yet going out into the world and wondering why, why doesn’t anybody get me?  

Why do I feel so disconnected from it from everybody? Now do you feel like, were you always that way or was there a point, you know, was it like the awkward teenage years where you started to feel awkward and then you manifested that more in your head? Was there a point or was it just kind of always the way that you felt you were?  

It was always the way and it was the way that I made sure it was always the way I went out seeking approval. Uh, because again, I told myself my story, my belief became that I’m not capable. Uh, nobody wants me around. So I went out and found the people in circumstances that validated that for us, for, for us, all of my personalities each and every one of them validated it for us.  

And, uh, and I find it, I found it right. No such thing as a 14 slip. Right. So. So I found that including, uh, as, as we can talk about, I then ventured into what became a 15 year career as an actor filmmaker. Why trying to seek that external approval. I have to find it some way that doesn’t work. Yeah. And I think that’s a good transition to talk about.  

The second thing that I saw online, that I wanted to ask you about the fear of others’ approval. And how that fear actually attracts the exactly thing that you’re fearful of. And, and the quote you said, following that, be the person you want to attract and you’ll attract those people. It’s total opposites that completely compliment each other.  

And talk about that. Yeah, I spent my lifetime, uh, putting on this front, putting on this mask, putting on this persona, trying to attract people into my life that I felt would have given me the comfort. And more importantly, the validation. My goodness. I thought that I was looking for somebody because the big conflict for me was that I spent a lifetime like this.  

I’m hiding all of my power. But the conflict was behind closed doors. This is where a lot of the anger engine and the frustration became just, just unmanageable. Because I knew what I was capable of. Imagine that, that I wasn’t even, you know, uh, confused about that. I knew I was capable of doing, but I was scared out of my mind to show anybody what I’m really capable of.  

Because again, I assumed that the people that I allowed to keep me in this box, in this role wearing this label that I gave myself, I thought that they would retaliate and say, who do you think you are? You know, showing up. So, so powerfully and skillfully, Leah, let us do that. You don’t do that. And. I wouldn’t have had the emotional strength to, you know, sort of fight back.  

So this is, this is the story I told myself that if I dare step out of this and show what I’m capable of, people are not going to like it. And it didn’t, it didn’t sit well with me, but behind closed doors. Oh, I was struggling with that because I would see people doing things that I knew I was very capable of doing.  

Didn’t so to answer your question, uh I’m I’m this person that, that played small and I filled that role and went out to seek the opposing role. And I got that. So finally, when I started. Inching out of this role and saying, you know, enough’s enough. And we can get into that story too, of how and why I was able to start taking after 40 plus years of these steps.  

I realize that not only are the people that I feared would retaliate against me, nowhere around in my, in my reality and my visual experience and awareness. The opposite is true. I get to surround myself with powerful people like you, who I just see all around me now. Okay. I’ve attracted them in sort of this force field of strength and power and love around me. 

Because that’s the person I’m being and really, we are just mirrors for each other. What you see is what you get, what you put out is what you receive. And I’m receiving a lot of strength and support. Good. That’s good to hear. Yeah. Walk us through exactly what you said. What was the tipping point? Just to start shifting momentum the other way.  

I spent so much of my life knowing that, you know, when the, the time is right, I feel like I would be a good father. I would like to take on that role. I just knew that, you know, I I’d love that opportunity. I probably enjoy being a father, but I also knew that I never would have been. Mature enough in a healthy relationship.  

And I never would have found myself saying, honey, let’s do this. We’re going to start a family. And it just wouldn’t, it wasn’t in my capability to, to find myself in that mature position. But the universe or God, the powers that be knew differently, I was 39 years old. And they, uh, knew something that I didn’t this whole energetic field that we live in said the time is now and we’re going to make it happen.  

So I was with my girlfriend at the time. Who’s now has become my. Excuse me. She’s she’s now become my wife. And at the time this was September, 2012. She gives me a call and she says, are you sitting down? Yeah, one of those conversations. And I say, um, hang on for a minute. Let me, let me pull up a chair here.  

I said, ye yes. Yes, what’s what’s what’s going on. And she says, Were pregnant. And we were just, you know, in a committed relationship for under a year. So she didn’t really know how I was going to react and truth be told neither did I, but my initial immediate response was, this is amazing. This is. Perfect who could have planned this.  

This is the best way it should have happened. And I, I, to this day, love and adore the whole story from there to here six years later. Um, so we, uh, then. This was September and I had come off a, a previous marriage that didn’t go so well because I was unhealthy and attracted a very unhealthy relationship and found my way out of that one.  

So I wasn’t really quick to want to run back into a marriage, but fully ready to commit to this relationship. So I said, well, this is, this is great. I’m all in, uh, we’ll certainly do it together. Uh, we don’t have to get married. And she said, Oh yes, we do. She had, and you know, I know the role have a good, have a, of a good spouse and husband.  

And I said, fine, whatever we want, honey, you know, I’m here, I’m here to serve. Let’s do this. So, um, within four months we planned our ideal amazing, perfect wedding, four months pregnant at the wedding, amazingly. Perfect. And then we gave birth, uh, that June to our incredible daughter. Who’s now six years old.  

But I also have a four. Uh, so I have a, I have a six year old daughter, Danica, a four year old son, Harrison, who I always give shout outs to because they have become the reason for my evolution here. Because early on in their still young lives, I realized that, okay, I see what’s happening here. I’m the child in this relationship here  

Right. I knew that just like I knew behind closed doors that I have more than this. Why am I, why am I doing this? I’m better than this. I’m more talented than. This I’m more capable of this, but I wasn’t. So with my two small children, I said, my goodness, I am the child, you know, I’m kicking and screaming and angry and frustrated setting that example.  

No way I knew I was better than that. And I knew I had to make the changes as quickly as possible. That’s quite an evolution. It’s cool to hear that, that, so it sounds like the kids were the change in trajectory. And so you. My very limited understanding, uh, are your relationship, you and me right here, right.  

First time talking is that there’s this significant before and after version of you. So when you think back at the, at the before version and compare yourself to the after version and all the possibilities that you now have set yourself open to, do you ever look back at some missed opportunities? And what do you think about those?  

Yes. And no, you know? Yes. As in, Hmm. It probably would have been interesting if I had picked up on some of these lessons. Oh, a little early, or, uh, I had my first child at 39 now. Um, I’m going to be 45. Five. I always think that at my daughter’s high school graduation, her friends are going to ask who’s her grandfather in the audience.  

You know, I’m like, Oh, well it is what it is. Um, but, uh, I, I also don’t because I realize. Everything happens for a reason. And I wouldn’t change a dog barn thing of how my life is now. I mean, my life life is so incredibly joyous, which is by design finally. And my children are just so amazingly perfect. And the relationship that we have in my role in their lives is just, I couldn’t have designed it any differently.  

So there’s a great big element of acceptance to say, Hey, uh, I needed, I needed all of that struggle or I needed it. All of that journey. I had a very interesting life. You know, I have a lot of chunked stories, including the, uh, the 15 year acting and filmmaking career. Uh, one failed marriage and just all of these little turns.  

That took me where I am today. That one different turn along the way by definition would not get me exactly where I am today. And I’m loving this path that I’m on. Good. So you’ve taken all these new experiences and now you have the hidden entrepreneur. So, so. What is it? What is it hidden entrepreneur?  

It’s basically my excuse to lead by example. Right. I had come from, uh, something similar. We have, I spent 10 years, uh, as a digital marketing agency owner in the SEO and content marketing world and building websites. And so I did that for so long. And, um, it just got to a point where I was unhealthy. So I brought all of that to the business.  

I couldn’t get over certain, certain blocks and certain, uh, points of success. And it just became like an unhealthy relationship where I had to step back and say, you know, I. Part of the problem is me in this position where I am right now in this business. It’s not healthy for me. I have to make change. Uh, so I did what I needed to, to pivot and I ripped the bandaid off and I said, I have to go.  

And when that happens, you know, sometimes you don’t know what’s in there often. You don’t know what’s next, but the idea is that you got to make that decision. You gotta make that choice. You can’t just stay knowing how bad it is. That’s, that’s an excuse. That’s not good for anybody. And that’s what I did all my life.  

But I was like, I gotta make this change. I’ll figure it out. So I took a couple of months to just decide what’s next for me? What do I want to do? And I knew that I wanted to serve a, a different audience where I could, I was already indulging in the personal growth and development space. And I was seeing, uh, even at the tail end there.  

Some improvements. Like when I started and discovered meditation, I was like, wow, I see how this is really helping. So I started bringing it to that industry and it didn’t really sit well, cause they’re like, no, no, no. Just build our website. That’s cool. You know, know your lane, right? I’m like, no, a meditation.  

Look how great this is. So I said, you know, it’s I see the writing. Yeah. The wall here. And, uh, I got to, I got to serve. I have so much to, I have so much to say here, that’s just been brewing and building up, let me figure it out. See what my message is now. See what I want to engage in and for who? So finally that brand, the hidden entrepreneur just came to me and felt right.  

And I said, okay, All right. That’s going to be my brand, a personal brand. I don’t know where it’s going to go. I know some things that I want to do in the future. Um, but right now, what I want to do, what I’m drawn to is I want to podcast that’s that’s my. First entrance into this brand, I’m going to commit to that.  

I’m going to enjoy it. I’ll probably be good at it. Uh, and I’ll learn along the way and I’ll share my lessons, uh, through it all. And that’s what I did. So that was the only picture I had. And wouldn’t, you know, now less than a year later, I have a, I just recorded episode one 12 and more opportunities. Yeah.  

That I could have imagined couldn’t have imagined have, have come my way, continue to come my way. Okay. More opportunities. And I’m just living the example of no longer living behind fear, no longer, you know, trying to please others before you fully. Please yourself and show up fully and authentically, and not only be the best version and person you can be, but understanding why, why is this important?  

And that’s what I’ve done. Especially through my children. I found that why congrats on the podcast growth, um, you know, we’re a year into it as well. And, and, and maybe you can. It sounds like you’ll agree with something that I’ve experienced in chatting with great people like yourself. Is that one thing that I didn’t expect with doing the podcast was how therapeutic it would be for myself.  

Right. So you talked to other people, you hear these other stories and, and likewise as a father, you have adult conversations. And I think that the podcast has been a really cool platform, even just, um, you know, for all the entrepreneurs that are listening, even if the. It seems like there’s, you know, you had a very specific purpose in mind.  

Um, but I think there’s just like a little icing on the cake or you get that little self and indulgence throughout the process too. Well, I think that’s the win, right? Finding something in this conversation. It’s the podcast that becomes that outlet and something I experienced early on was people coming to me even early on.  

And they’re like, how many listeners do you have? How many downloads? And whatever I quickly realized was that that was so less important to me because I found that a hundred plus episodes. I now have the ability. To connect with a hundred different people that create opportunities that never could have been achieved before that.  

So just knowing that, well, I don’t even care about the numbers. I mean, look, look at what I’m creating as a, the end product, but then B what I’m making of that. And it’s just keeping your awareness open to your big goals, your visions, having that right. And systematically and strategically working towards that.  

And you will find the people and circumstances to now support this new vision. Just like in my older self, I found the people and circumstances and experience that kept me feeling. Trapped and fearful and hiding. Now it’s the opposite. Now I show up and moment to moment to moment. I’m able to navigate this path and stay on course.  

So now that you got to hit an entrepreneur, how do you bring that? To your audience, how do you help people? What is the actual platform and, you know, above and beyond the podcast, how do you work with exactly? What’s the, what’s the product or service? What’s the business, right? Yeah. Well, like I said, going into it, I said, you know what?  

I trust. Myself. This is a big lesson in and of itself, making sure that you just trust you’re doing what needs to be done and putting the plan in place and taking action and making that happen. So I said, I’m going to come to the table with the podcast. Uh, it’ll be good. And I will, I will find what needs to come out of it.  

So the first thing to come out of that naturally was business coaching. And that’s what I started doing earlier on in this year. I would coach other entrepreneurs to help them sort of take the steps that I did in their own version of fear. You know, we, we, we can all relate to that. That were not taking certain action that we know we should be.  

And we could be taking a, we make up all these, these excuses. We tell ourselves different things, but come on. If you’re being honest with yourself, you know what you want to be doing? And what you should be doing and what you could be doing. So I worked with entrepreneurs who really weren’t taking the steps to get them on that path, and now they are.  

So that’s fascinating, even more specific to them that day. I realized how much passion and ability I have just around the whole podcast. Medium. You understand all this. So I’ve through my episodes. I’ve really perfected the art of the, the whole entire process and the art of the interview. I found that so many guests of mine really appreciated the style in which we would, we would have our discussion that it left them with a very positive impression.  

A lot of them would say, Hey, this was like the best interview ever so slowly, but surely I realized that. You know what, there might be something teachable here. And since I love the medium, I love love teaching and empowering others and stepping into my power. No more hiding. I said, I’m going to, I’m going to create a signature program, which is exactly what I’m doing now.  

So now so much of my business revolves around podcasts, media production, and I help. Um, emerging and aspiring hosts and, um, establish hosts on their game, through what I call the best interview ever. Well, sign me up.  

So, so now you have this ability and this platform to help other entrepreneurs. And as you said, you just ripped off the bandaid. Do you have any advice that, again, like you said, everybody, if they’re honest with themselves, They know where they want to be. What’s, what’s some advice to take that step to ripping off the bandaid.  

You have to find it within you, and then you have to find a small crack in someone else in support. You have to get the support of others because to say, well, you have to take this step. Yeah. We all understand that. Right. As true as that is, you have to figure out the big. 10,000 foot view, which is your, why, which I like to call it, uh, is asking the big question and finding the answer to the ultimate question, which is how would you like to do be remembered?  

And for me and my clients, that’s a very good starting point because that helps you identify. Why in the world, are you doing any of this or not doing this or help you see clearly what you should be doing? So if you can answer for yourself, how would you like to be remembered and really put that down?  

Yeah, it might be. You want to change the world, but really get. Get specific about it. Who do you want to change it for? How do you want to do it and why do you want to do it? Why is it important to you and really investigate that answer so you can figure out how would you like to be remembered and what that winds up doing is putting everything in such perspective for you.  

Where we do right over the course course of a day and a week in a month in a lifetime, we have millions of choices and decisions we make or are made for us, small, medium, and large choices and decisions. None of these. In and of themselves mean anything, right? There is nothing death in net about any choice or decision we make, but we give such weight and gravity to every little decision and we grapple with it.  

That it’s crazy. But in the grand scheme of things, Individual choices and decisions mean nothing because they could be changed. They could be adjusted. They are not definite, but what is definite is your answer to how would you like to be remembered? And once you get that, nothing you do matters individually because it’s tied into that answer.  

It doesn’t matter to anybody else. So on the outside shore, People could judge and say, which is what we fear is going to happen all they want. But if you are so connected to your ultimate question, answer, how would you like to be remembered? Now you are directly making the choices and decisions that serve you in that finite.  

Answer because remember nothing here is definite it’s. It doesn’t matter. It could be changed, altered, adjusted. What is definite is the answer to that question? How would you like to be remembered and really. Now anything is possible because as long as it serves you and that answer for you personally, there should be no question as to what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.  

So you have to take the steps and get the comfort gets so comfortable with that answer. So you are laser focused on making sure all of your actions. All of your choices and decisions serve that. Now when, when the people you’re working with and they ask themselves that, how would you like to be remembered?  

Do they tend to go down the path of a professional answer or a personal answer? It’s both. Right. But I love that. Be more personal, answer it for me. That’s what it’s about. Right? Because you’re professional answer can change. We might, you know, navigate through a few different career paths and a few different professional things.  

So there’s also a little bit of a hybrid because it can sound like a professional answer, meaning you’re going to figure out how to do it. Right. Through your work, but it’s serving you personally. Makes sense. Well, Josh, I love your passion. I got, yeah. One more thing. Um, I want you to touch on, and it’s about social media.  

So earlier you talked about, you know, sharing awkwardness and one thing that I think social media presents is, is social media is an amplifier and it can either, either help you or it can hurt you. And one thing that I’ve found interesting is that sharing your awkwardness. On a platform is what attracts reliability.  

What do you agree? Yeah, of course. Um, we, again, we have so much of ourselves because we fear how we’re going to look, right. We don’t want to look foolish, but the definition of foolish is a unwise, but anything connected to your, to your answer, to your why, to your desire by definition is not foolish because you have put in.  

You have put in the work and you’ve thought about it and you’ve strategized it. Ideally anything you do, even though we fear how others is going to look or how it’s going to make us sound or what others are going to say. You have to find the people, even if it’s one person starting with yourself, find the people who will support you.  

So you feel supported and the more you open up, right? Like you said, that’s what helps connect us full circle here. When we started earlier talking about loneliness. You feel isolated, you feel disconnected, you feel removed. That’s the story in your head? Just like that was the story in my head. I didn’t realize playing the victim was a thing until I heard it and was like, Oh my God, this is a thing.  

And that was me. So you’re just perpetuating this story for yourself. So the more you can become self aware and understand what your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and your actions are. So many of our emotions are habitual. They just click because we are literally addicted to it. Those feelings for better or worse, more often than not.  

For worse. And we just find the people and the circumstances that are going to give us that rush of emotion again, for better or worse. And that just makes us feel safe and comfortable even though it’s painful. So getting out there, opening up, exposing parts of you. To you sitting with yourself and becoming self aware and then sharing things with safe and supportive people.  

If you have to find a community online or a person online, do it slowly but surely. Either make excuses or make products grasp, but do making progress, stop making the excuses. That’s what we do so often, you know, if you do that, nothing’s going to change and nothing I say, or anybody says can help. So when you are ready, be honest with yourself and just start taking the small steps that need to be taken one step at a time.  

I love that. I say, I said it earlier. I love your enthusiasm. I love these topics. I think there’s a lot of opportunity, um, especially with this type of audience of entrepreneurs, right. People get so scared about, you know, perfect timing. Perfect. This perfect. That, that they just, like you said, we’ve got to start with progress.  

All right. So Josh carry everybody. It’s been a pleasure. Uh, let me give you an opportunity to put out your contact information. How do people get ahold of you? Certainly, um, the best place is my website. Joshcary.com. There you can watch videos. You can listen to my episodes and you can click through to any social platform where you like spending time and we can connect there.  

All right, one last thing. Random question generator. Let me push the button. Bee. Boop random question generator. Josh, what kind of old person do you want to be? You got a deep one. Was that, was that the question? What kind of old person do I want to be? What kind of old person do you want to grow up to become?  

Yeah, I’ll let you take that. Whichever, whichever way you want to take it. I got it. Okay. I wanted to become a living old person. Fair enough. Yeah. And really we can take it that in a lot of directions, I love the simplicity of it. If I do say so myself, I want to be living as an old person, certainly. And I also want to be living quick note.  

It’s so funny. I got that question because, um, I’m going to be 45 this year. So I realized that best case scenario. My life has half over now. That’s a good, that’s a best case scenario. If I make it to 90. Oh, that’s a win. Right? When someone passes away at 90, nobody’s ever like, Oh, how did he die? 90. That’s how he died.  

And he was right. It was magnificent. 90 killed him. That was it. Oh. So in all seriousness, though, I realized, especially with children here, that if I just kept on the path that I was, and I lived and made it to 90, I never would have lived to 90. I would have made it to 90 and goodness sake. I am ready to live to 90.  

So great question. God, he got it. Josh Cary, everybody. Thank you.